With the task before me of writing a submission for my Grandmother’s memory book, I sat and pondered on what I would say.
I thought about her life and how I could do her justice in my submission to this memory book.
Then, out of nowhere, it came to me!
I had an epiphany of sorts that brought many memories together at once. Suddenly everything made sense. I realized I could sum up “Grandma,” as I knew her, in four words: Grandma got it right.
I thought about her life and how I could do her justice in my submission to this memory book.
Then, out of nowhere, it came to me!
I had an epiphany of sorts that brought many memories together at once. Suddenly everything made sense. I realized I could sum up “Grandma,” as I knew her, in four words: Grandma got it right.
I never would have been able to have written it at any other point in my life, in the same way. This is a perspective that I can only appreciate now as a mother with young children.
I have observed the role of a grandparent in many different homes and families. There seems to be a trend in recent days where grandparents feel that because they are not the primary caregiver for the child, that they get to have all of the fun while the hard work is left for Mom and Dad. It’s as if they feel the reward of graduating from parent to grandparent is to now take on a role that involves no work and is all play. It’s a mindset of, we aren’t the ones worrying about basic needs being met, or having to discipline, we just get to party! This mindset is perpetuated through social media and advertising. I’ve seen it many times. A picture of a young child with a pouty face, at odds with their parents over something, and the words… “That’s it, I’ve had it, I’m going to Grandma’s!” It’s an “Ice cream for dinner” type mentality. I see Grandparent’s coming to visit with all the bells and whistles, they bring gifts the children’s parents wouldn’t have bought them, give treats that ruin their dinner, and just all-around spoil them. They feel that their role entitles them to break all of the rules. Sometimes they feel like if they don’t break the rules, they aren’t doing this Grandparent thing right. “What my Grandbaby wants – they get,” even if it means undermining the parents.
I have observed the role of a grandparent in many different homes and families. There seems to be a trend in recent days where grandparents feel that because they are not the primary caregiver for the child, that they get to have all of the fun while the hard work is left for Mom and Dad. It’s as if they feel the reward of graduating from parent to grandparent is to now take on a role that involves no work and is all play. It’s a mindset of, we aren’t the ones worrying about basic needs being met, or having to discipline, we just get to party! This mindset is perpetuated through social media and advertising. I’ve seen it many times. A picture of a young child with a pouty face, at odds with their parents over something, and the words… “That’s it, I’ve had it, I’m going to Grandma’s!” It’s an “Ice cream for dinner” type mentality. I see Grandparent’s coming to visit with all the bells and whistles, they bring gifts the children’s parents wouldn’t have bought them, give treats that ruin their dinner, and just all-around spoil them. They feel that their role entitles them to break all of the rules. Sometimes they feel like if they don’t break the rules, they aren’t doing this Grandparent thing right. “What my Grandbaby wants – they get,” even if it means undermining the parents.
There are no bad intentions here, of course, and grandparents are wonderful to have. Often, though, a weekend with the grandparents around will leave Mom and Dad feeling more worn out than when they were on their own. Especially if the grandparents aren’t adding to the structure that Mom and Dad have built and are trying to maintain, but instead, are busting it down and leaving it needing to be rebuilt again when they leave. The new toys and clothes and gadgets, the taking of the children on special outings to get them out of Mom’s way so she can finally clean the house, the treats, the coddling, it all looks wonderful at first glance. Whether or not it’s helpful in the moment, it usually doesn’t leave the immediate family strengthened by the visit. Some parents have even noted that their children behave in a rebellious way for a time after a visit from their Grandparents, which we know is not what any Grandparent would desire.
I personally chose to be a stay-at-home Mom because I want to be the primary caregiver for my children. I want to be the one who decides how they spend their time, what they learn and when they learn it, and be the one who gets to play with them and make them laugh the most. It’s an extremely hard job when managing a household at the same time. The most important things that you are doing as a Mom are constantly interrupted with the unavoidable tasks of life that happen during the hours when Dad is away with his own work. Meals don’t cook themselves and laundry doesn’t wash and dry itself, although if you leave it long enough, you’ll often find that it has unfolded itself! And don’t even get me started on the dishes. (Although I really need to get started on those dishes...)
I’ve seen the little sign hanging in various places with the poem that reads:
I’ve seen the little sign hanging in various places with the poem that reads:
"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow. But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
That’s well and good and many things can and do wait, but people need to eat to live and the little ones go through many outfits in a day, due to messes of one sort or another. So, while Moms fight for time to sit on the floor with their children reading books and doing puzzles and singing songs, there are still a lot of fires to put out during an average day. For a mother working outside of the home, there may be less activity and less messes in the home due to the majority of time being spent elsewhere, but there is also less time together as a family as well and you still have much preparation to get the family out of the house with all that they need the following morning. This means that the short time spent together in the evenings is crucial for teaching and bonding moments. Moms know this, and Moms fight to make the most of the time, energy and resources that they can give to their children, no matter what their circumstances.
You might be thinking, great, but what does that have to do with YOUR Grandma? Well, looking back without this perspective, I may have thought that my Grandma wasn’t very hands-on in her role as a Grandparent. (Although she never missed an opportunity to reach over and give me a good hard pinch on the leg with her perfectly manicured nails!) But looking at her from the perspective of a Mother, I now realized how well she understood her role as a Grandparent, and how incredibly selfless she was on our behalf.
She didn’t come into our home and take over the role as the caregiver, so there was never a question of who was in charge. She also didn’t show up and become the one who got to have all the playtime while Mom caught up on all of the things that needed to get done either. Instead, she seemed to first take care of the things that would normally get in the way of Mom spending time with us, and then join us when those things were done. It wasn’t Grandma sitting on the floor with us bonding, it was Mom. Grandma didn’t act like she was on vacation or there as a guest to be hosted. She just quietly took over managing the household. Things were put away, dishes were washed, and there was a good healthy meal that appeared on the table at dinnertime – often including her famous apple crisp or apple pie. The kind of quality meal that we would normally eat when Mom had the time to make it.
I can picture my Grandma sitting on the couch folding laundry and watching us play. She always allowed Mom to do the important “Mom things,” with no interruptions. This is great because it strengthens the bond between Mom and the children and doesn’t leave unrealistic expectations for Mom that she cannot fulfill when the Grandparents go home.
You might be thinking, great, but what does that have to do with YOUR Grandma? Well, looking back without this perspective, I may have thought that my Grandma wasn’t very hands-on in her role as a Grandparent. (Although she never missed an opportunity to reach over and give me a good hard pinch on the leg with her perfectly manicured nails!) But looking at her from the perspective of a Mother, I now realized how well she understood her role as a Grandparent, and how incredibly selfless she was on our behalf.
She didn’t come into our home and take over the role as the caregiver, so there was never a question of who was in charge. She also didn’t show up and become the one who got to have all the playtime while Mom caught up on all of the things that needed to get done either. Instead, she seemed to first take care of the things that would normally get in the way of Mom spending time with us, and then join us when those things were done. It wasn’t Grandma sitting on the floor with us bonding, it was Mom. Grandma didn’t act like she was on vacation or there as a guest to be hosted. She just quietly took over managing the household. Things were put away, dishes were washed, and there was a good healthy meal that appeared on the table at dinnertime – often including her famous apple crisp or apple pie. The kind of quality meal that we would normally eat when Mom had the time to make it.
I can picture my Grandma sitting on the couch folding laundry and watching us play. She always allowed Mom to do the important “Mom things,” with no interruptions. This is great because it strengthens the bond between Mom and the children and doesn’t leave unrealistic expectations for Mom that she cannot fulfill when the Grandparents go home.
If we look at Dr. Harley’s “Love Bank” theory from a family perspective, this makes sense.
"Inside all of us is a Love Bank with accounts in the names of everyone we know. When these people are associated with our good feelings, "love units" are deposited into their accounts, and when they are associated with our bad feelings, love units are withdrawn. We are emotionally attracted to people with positive balances and repulsed by those with negative balances. This is the way our emotions encourage us to be with people who seem to treat us well, and avoid those who seem to hurt us.
The emotional reactions we have toward people, whether attraction or repulsion, is not a matter of choice. Love Bank balances cause them. Try "choosing" to be attracted to those you associate with some of your worst experiences -- it's almost impossible. Or try to feel repulsed by those associated with your best feelings. You do not decide whom you will like or dislike -- it's their association with your feelings, whether they have made Love Bank deposits or withdrawals, that determines your emotional reactions to them.
We like those with positive Love Bank balances and dislike those with negative balances."
The emotional reactions we have toward people, whether attraction or repulsion, is not a matter of choice. Love Bank balances cause them. Try "choosing" to be attracted to those you associate with some of your worst experiences -- it's almost impossible. Or try to feel repulsed by those associated with your best feelings. You do not decide whom you will like or dislike -- it's their association with your feelings, whether they have made Love Bank deposits or withdrawals, that determines your emotional reactions to them.
We like those with positive Love Bank balances and dislike those with negative balances."
Parents are going to have a difficult in their attempts to make continuous and significant deposits into their children’s love banks because as the primary caregivers, they also have the responsibility of teaching their children all of the necessary lessons of life, some welcome and some not so welcome. They are also the disciplinarians. While the child is maturing, a lack of understanding of the parent’s motives will affect these deposits. I think this is why, when children become parents, their love for and appreciation of their own parents suddenly skyrockets. They now understand that all of the things their parents did for them were done out of love. They are grateful for them. It’s as if the infinite number of pending deposits that has accumulated over the years are finally accepted and the child suddenly has a great inheritance sitting in their love bank.
Now, while some Grandparents parade in and out like the circus has come to town, my Grandma didn’t ask for any fanfare. She didn’t change our element when she came to visit, she just observed us in it. If she had come in and changed things up in the home during her visits, then “we grandchildren” would have been different people during her visits. We would have changed to adapt to her changes and she never would have known who we really were, and therefore couldn’t have taken care of all of our needs in the intuitive way that she seemed to be able to do. We all adapt to our environments. The home is going to be the place where we are closest to who we really are because it is where we are the most comfortable. This is where our strengths and weaknesses will really show up. This is where our needs will be the most obvious. Our perspective of people would be changed drastically if we could spend but a small amount of time as a “fly on the wall,” as they say, observing someone in their home. If things change significantly when someone enters the home then those in it will change significantly as well. The people you are then observing are but a caricature of themselves and if you try to care for those people based on what you see, you will always fall short, no matter how genuine your intentions may be.
My most common image of my Grandma in my mind is of her sitting on a chair in the living room with a novel in her hand. She was often on the same page for days and was usually just observing us and chuckling from time to time. She never interrupted or interfered. Since she quietly observed us, she knew exactly who we were and what we needed. The book in her hand, although rarely actually read while we were there, created somewhat of a boundary line as if to say, “Go ahead and do your thing. I’m here if you need me.” She didn’t try to discipline us and she wasn’t bothered by “kids being kids,” when we weren’t perfect, but she definitely didn’t tolerate us being disrespectful. That’s where she drew the line and would pipe up with something along the lines of, “Don’t you talk to your Mother like that!” and that would be all she would have to say because we knew she meant business. Her child, (My mother) was still her child and she was going to protect her and put her first.
When there were special outings during the visits, Grandma and Mom would usually both be there. Those were special moments and memories that Grandma knew would be in our minds for a long time and she didn’t keep them for herself. She only ever added to the family, never took away.
If we were ever in the way, then that’s when we were actually shipped off to Grandma’s apartment. She was always a good host, and there was always the aforementioned apple crisp at some point in the visit. This is when we would go shopping for a new outfit as well. Once, she insisted on buying me a dress and was so pleased to see me looking like a proper young lady, that she went on about it the rest of the week. I felt like I was getting ready for a débutante ball or something. Having a nice dress on hand for special occasions was something that my parents would have appreciated, but at that age, may not have been able to coerce me into. My Grandma was able to influence these positive experiences in a natural way. She was always positive and never pushy. I couldn't go back and tell you the difference between what she wanted for us and what my parents did. She never went over their heads or behind their backs for anything.
Another place my Grandma never overstepped her boundaries, was with gifts. She made her budget for what she would spend on us for birthdays and Christmas and then she would go shopping with my Mom for those gifts. My Mom would tell her what we were into at this time and if that’s something she approved of, then that’s what she would get for us. They shopped until they found a match between things we wanted/needed and things that Grandma felt would benefit us and be meaningful gifts. That way we didn’t end up with gifts we didn’t want or useless things around the house that we would never use. Think about how many baby/toddler toys are out there that have just one function. You press the buttons and this happens. Over and over. There is no imagination involved and the child will be thrilled about it for a few minutes and then never touch it again. And then what? It’s a gift, you can’t just return it, toss it, or sell it. Are we so polite sometimes that we have to buy a bigger house to hold all of that politeness in? Bigger houses with no fences (boundaries) may not be the smart way to go.
Now, while some Grandparents parade in and out like the circus has come to town, my Grandma didn’t ask for any fanfare. She didn’t change our element when she came to visit, she just observed us in it. If she had come in and changed things up in the home during her visits, then “we grandchildren” would have been different people during her visits. We would have changed to adapt to her changes and she never would have known who we really were, and therefore couldn’t have taken care of all of our needs in the intuitive way that she seemed to be able to do. We all adapt to our environments. The home is going to be the place where we are closest to who we really are because it is where we are the most comfortable. This is where our strengths and weaknesses will really show up. This is where our needs will be the most obvious. Our perspective of people would be changed drastically if we could spend but a small amount of time as a “fly on the wall,” as they say, observing someone in their home. If things change significantly when someone enters the home then those in it will change significantly as well. The people you are then observing are but a caricature of themselves and if you try to care for those people based on what you see, you will always fall short, no matter how genuine your intentions may be.
My most common image of my Grandma in my mind is of her sitting on a chair in the living room with a novel in her hand. She was often on the same page for days and was usually just observing us and chuckling from time to time. She never interrupted or interfered. Since she quietly observed us, she knew exactly who we were and what we needed. The book in her hand, although rarely actually read while we were there, created somewhat of a boundary line as if to say, “Go ahead and do your thing. I’m here if you need me.” She didn’t try to discipline us and she wasn’t bothered by “kids being kids,” when we weren’t perfect, but she definitely didn’t tolerate us being disrespectful. That’s where she drew the line and would pipe up with something along the lines of, “Don’t you talk to your Mother like that!” and that would be all she would have to say because we knew she meant business. Her child, (My mother) was still her child and she was going to protect her and put her first.
When there were special outings during the visits, Grandma and Mom would usually both be there. Those were special moments and memories that Grandma knew would be in our minds for a long time and she didn’t keep them for herself. She only ever added to the family, never took away.
If we were ever in the way, then that’s when we were actually shipped off to Grandma’s apartment. She was always a good host, and there was always the aforementioned apple crisp at some point in the visit. This is when we would go shopping for a new outfit as well. Once, she insisted on buying me a dress and was so pleased to see me looking like a proper young lady, that she went on about it the rest of the week. I felt like I was getting ready for a débutante ball or something. Having a nice dress on hand for special occasions was something that my parents would have appreciated, but at that age, may not have been able to coerce me into. My Grandma was able to influence these positive experiences in a natural way. She was always positive and never pushy. I couldn't go back and tell you the difference between what she wanted for us and what my parents did. She never went over their heads or behind their backs for anything.
Another place my Grandma never overstepped her boundaries, was with gifts. She made her budget for what she would spend on us for birthdays and Christmas and then she would go shopping with my Mom for those gifts. My Mom would tell her what we were into at this time and if that’s something she approved of, then that’s what she would get for us. They shopped until they found a match between things we wanted/needed and things that Grandma felt would benefit us and be meaningful gifts. That way we didn’t end up with gifts we didn’t want or useless things around the house that we would never use. Think about how many baby/toddler toys are out there that have just one function. You press the buttons and this happens. Over and over. There is no imagination involved and the child will be thrilled about it for a few minutes and then never touch it again. And then what? It’s a gift, you can’t just return it, toss it, or sell it. Are we so polite sometimes that we have to buy a bigger house to hold all of that politeness in? Bigger houses with no fences (boundaries) may not be the smart way to go.
I can see now that all of the things my Grandma did just made so much sense. And it was very selfless! That’s the most important thing. That’s why it worked so well for us. She did things in a way that she didn’t get credit for it. She didn’t get the attention. Most people have to go against their very nature to conduct themselves in this manner. She was obviously very wise. I believe that being a widow with three children and having to work many jobs and do most things on her own gave her a different perspective on motherhood, and she wanted her children to have the most important moments that she wouldn’t have gotten to have frequently or consistently. I think her own children can now look back and realize how much she cherished them and her time with them and wanted to be a Mom more than any of the other roles she had no choice to do, such as being the breadwinner, etc. A big shout out to all of the single mothers out there who fight for quality time with their children while shouldering the load of two parents!
My grandma had the best poker face of anyone I know. We use to play a lot of a game called Chase the Ace at family gatherings during the holidays. We would all be strategically trying to read each other’s faces so as to not end up with the lowest card as it got passed down the line, face down. When the card got to my Grandma she would look like she was totally out to lunch, and when we informed her – "Grandma it’s your turn…" she would say, “Ohhh!” Then she would flip over her card and it would be a king, the top card and the one that blocks the rest. I don’t know how she always seemed to have a king. We put a spin on the game where once you had gone “out” of the game you had to stand outside and watch the rest of the game unfold from the window. Summer or Winter. Rain or shine. That was the rule. Grandma never set foot outside. Not because we went easy on her, either. She was just always in the top two. We always seemed to underestimate her.
As my dear cousin recently put it, our grandmother was an extraordinary woman who we all clearly took for granted. But we had no choice! She did things so selflessly and in a way that we could not give her credit for it because we had no idea what she was up to. Only she did. As a scripture in Matthew 6:1 reads, "Take heed that ye do not your alms before men"
I feel like with all that I’ve now realized, the way she lived her life was very similar to her card playing. I see that even though she left our card table half a decade ago this month, that she just flipped over another King on me. She’s exactly what I need most at this point in my life, as a mother to young children. I still have a hard time voicing to others what will contribute the most strength to my family and what will weaken us. It’s a hard gift to receive, because who doesn’t instinctively and even excitedly buy tickets to the circus when it comes to town, right?
I've never actually gambled, even in my pre-Christian life... (One time in college my friends dragged me to a casino where in my ignorance I pulled out a camera and took a great group photo of everyone and proceeded to get chased down by security who made me delete the photo from the camera and the memory card before escorting us outside.) ...but there was a catchy song that I for some reason liked when I was young child. In fact when I was eight years old we took a road trip across the country and I had my parents play it over and over and over for several days, the rewind button being their only peace and quiet, until finally the cassette tape broke. Ask my dad about that one. And though I don't advocate the lifestyle in the song, their may be some hidden gems of advice for Grandparents, because if you are going to play the game, Grandma, you've gotta learn to play it right! "You've gotta know when to hold them (grandkids)...know when to fold them (laundry)..." :D
Although my Grandma can’t be here to fill that Grandma or Great-Grandma role, at least she has left me some of the greatest wisdom I could possess. That I need to think long term when it comes to my family and where the majority of those "Love Bank" deposits need to come from, and I understand now that now that selflessness is always the right way to do things. I will be sure to examine my motives and try to make sure that selflessness is the root of all that I do.
Grandma didn’t lose out by doing things this way. We all still have only positive memories of her, and so many of them that we could talk about her for hours on end.
The words of my Grandma’s favorite song come to mind:
As my dear cousin recently put it, our grandmother was an extraordinary woman who we all clearly took for granted. But we had no choice! She did things so selflessly and in a way that we could not give her credit for it because we had no idea what she was up to. Only she did. As a scripture in Matthew 6:1 reads, "Take heed that ye do not your alms before men"
I feel like with all that I’ve now realized, the way she lived her life was very similar to her card playing. I see that even though she left our card table half a decade ago this month, that she just flipped over another King on me. She’s exactly what I need most at this point in my life, as a mother to young children. I still have a hard time voicing to others what will contribute the most strength to my family and what will weaken us. It’s a hard gift to receive, because who doesn’t instinctively and even excitedly buy tickets to the circus when it comes to town, right?
I've never actually gambled, even in my pre-Christian life... (One time in college my friends dragged me to a casino where in my ignorance I pulled out a camera and took a great group photo of everyone and proceeded to get chased down by security who made me delete the photo from the camera and the memory card before escorting us outside.) ...but there was a catchy song that I for some reason liked when I was young child. In fact when I was eight years old we took a road trip across the country and I had my parents play it over and over and over for several days, the rewind button being their only peace and quiet, until finally the cassette tape broke. Ask my dad about that one. And though I don't advocate the lifestyle in the song, their may be some hidden gems of advice for Grandparents, because if you are going to play the game, Grandma, you've gotta learn to play it right! "You've gotta know when to hold them (grandkids)...know when to fold them (laundry)..." :D
Although my Grandma can’t be here to fill that Grandma or Great-Grandma role, at least she has left me some of the greatest wisdom I could possess. That I need to think long term when it comes to my family and where the majority of those "Love Bank" deposits need to come from, and I understand now that now that selflessness is always the right way to do things. I will be sure to examine my motives and try to make sure that selflessness is the root of all that I do.
Grandma didn’t lose out by doing things this way. We all still have only positive memories of her, and so many of them that we could talk about her for hours on end.
The words of my Grandma’s favorite song come to mind:
"Just when I’d stopped, opening doors, finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours…"
I hope to be able to emulate my Grandma by ministering to others as intuitively as she did. I hope the Grandparents out there reading this will understand that we know you all have hearts of gold. We should never get to a point where we are not humble enough to take a good hard look at ourselves and how we are contributing to our families in these roles from which we are never released. All sacrifices will turn into gains more valuable than we can even begin to imagine.
"Son,'he said,' ye cannot in your present state understand eternity...That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why...the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven," and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly."
C.S. Lewis - The Great Divorce
As Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approach, let’s take a moment to consider how we are doing with our love bank deposits and if we are enabling or disabling others in their own attempts at important deposits and investments. Lets make the conscious choice that in the end we will selflessly be able to declare that while the circus may have come and gone without us, we are certain that we have never lived anywhere except in Heaven.
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